206. Dr. Joanne Sotelo on Learning to Love Through Change: Caregiving, Grief, and Finding Yourself Again

The people we love change over time through aging, illness, grief, personal growth, and life’s many transitions. Dr. Joanne Sotelo draws on her experience caring for her mother, who has Alzheimer’s, to describe the practical and psychological weight of caregiving, including the role reversal, constant vigilance, and grief that can arise while a loved one is still here. She also shares how moments of gratitude can coexist with loss, and how choosing compassion can reshape the way we meet someone’s changing self.

The conversation explores how caregiving can become entwined with identity, especially for women in medicine who may carry responsibilities at work, at home, and in other people’s emotional lives. Chronic stress can leave caregivers feeling depleted and less able to regulate emotions or make decisions. The episode offers practical ways to care more sustainably: name the grief, distinguish responsibility from doing everything alone, schedule recovery, accept help, and ask what you need to keep showing up with love.

Key Takeaways To Listen For

• The people we love can become a stranger to us; the work is learning to love them, and yourself, through it
• Caregiving is wired into human biology. Oxytocin and dopamine play a role in the experience of caring, with research suggesting these responses can be higher in women than men
• When caregiving becomes constant and brings uncertainty, the brain's threat system stays switched on, showing up as forgetfulness, emotional numbness, and reactivity that look a lot like burnout
• You can grieve someone who is still alive: grief isn't only about death, but also about the person they used to be and the life you expected
• The nervous system doesn't recover just because the calendar gets lighter; recovery should be scheduled as deliberately as work, and allowing other people to help can support the process

“When we stand in love, it's a better filter than the old expectations or getting stuck in how things used to be.” - Dr. Joanne Sotelo

Connect With Joanne

Website: https://theharmonizedhealer.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joanne-sotelo-md-03236a200/

Facebook: https://web.facebook.com/joannesotelomd/?_rdc=1&_rdr#

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joannesotelomd/

Connect With Us

Find every episode at https://www.createmeaninginmedicine.com

▶️ Watch on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@createmeaninginmedicine

🎧 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/create-meaning-in-medicine/id1752701820